He can die after I've had my coffee

Those of you in the health care field may be familiar with the concept of "report", which is where nurses sign over care of their patients. This is, of course, supposed to be put off for a bit in the event of an emergency, but some nurses seem to look at it as a sacred time that brooks no interruption. Seriously, I'm sure more people die in those fifteen minutes when the nurses are shut in that little room...

Also, I don't know why "report" never takes an article. It's always just "report," or "in report." Like it's a city. Report, Alberta, population 8 angry nurses.

Which led to this conversation yesterday:

ME: Hey, could you -
NURSE 1: WE'RE IN REPORT.
ME: I know, but -
NURSE 2: Look, my shift is over and I just want to sign out and go home.
ME: Yes, I'm sorry, but -
NURSE 1: Come back in five minutes.
ME: THIS MAN IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK. HE IS IN THE PROCESS OF DYING.
NURSE 1: (sighs, rolls eyes) All right, all right...

I mean, fuck. Sometimes things can't wait for you to finish report, or finish your break. This isn't paperwork. This isn't a phone call you can put off until you've had your smoke. This is someone's life; and if he's having a heart attack "time is heart" as the saying goes.

This isn't to say that the vast majority of nurses aren't dedicated, caring and hardworking. But some seem to see their career as a shit job rather than a vocation, and that's when you run into trouble and dead patients.

Oh, the guy totally wasn't having a heart attack. But when you're having "9/10 crushing chest pain," best not to take chances, eh? So anyways, that's why I'm now pretty sure I'm known as "that asshole resident." Whoops.

great balls of fire

Patient: Hi, doc. I've been ejaculating blood for the past week.

Me: Sweet zombie Jesus. I mean, any other symptoms?

Patient: Well, my left testicle has seemed really enlarged and sore lately.

It is; twice the size of his left, in fact.

Me: Yeah, that's probably what's causing the blood-jizz. This can be caused by chlamydia or gonorrhea; so, uh, any affairs lately?

Patient: Absolutely not! But I have been having some pretty active sex lately. I thought I'd injured myself.

Me: *chuckling* No, that's just an infection. We'll clear that right up. But seriously, if you've been going hard enough that you thought you fucked your balls off, good work.

Patient: Thanks, doc.

Hey, everybody! Watch the resident fuck up!

Today was my first day as a resident. If I've talked to you recently, you probably know that I matched to Family Medicine (not quite Emergency, I know, I know...) here in Edmonton. If I haven't talked to you recently, we should chat, guy.


I started my rotations with Emerg at the University hospital - at 6 am, on the day after Canada Day. I was, of course, nervous beyond belief the night before. If I could put a finger on it, I'd say it was akin to that combination of excitement, joy, and gut-wrenching nauseating fear that you just won't be good enough that you feel right before you lose your cherry.

Or was that just me?

I couldn't sleep last night. I went to bed early - couldn't sleep through the fireworks. Shit, I missed the fireworks. I set my alarm to wake me early - 4:15, so I'd have plenty of time to wake up and prepare myself. The fact that it's cockmeltingly hot (that phrase is copyrighted, by the way) in my apartment didn't help. Finally I managed to pass out around 1:15.

When I woke up, it wasn't to the sound of my alarm for once. I think the sun reflecting off the opposite building was what got me up. And a good thing, too, because I woke up at 6:20 - 20 minutes AFTER my shift began. My initial response, of course, was SHIT SHIT SHIT MOTHERFUCKER. My next thought was that I'd set the alarm to 4:16 PM like the retard that I am. My next thought was that, someday, I'll look back on this and laugh.

Today is not yet that day.

Fortunately, I had a fairly easygoing staff doc the first day. He was, surprisingly, OK with my display of raw unprofessionalism. And, fortunately, I didn't cock up too bad on any of my patients. Yay.

In other news I passed all my exams, went to Spain for a month, became a doctor and also bought a condo. Life, she keeps you busy. And I wonder why I don't have time to clean my room...