Thoughts on White Christmas (1954)

One of the more joyous Christmas traditions in which my family, and I suspect indeed most families in the civilized world, participates is the watching of Christmas movies. The Christmas movie is a peculiar entity, considering how gawdawfully bad most of them would be considered if they didn't involve Santa or snow or Jesus or some shit. Still, they do function remarkably well to get you into the holiday mood, and I really wish I'd done more watching in the days leading up until Christmas, considering how much time I'd been spending with patients with pancreatitis and how very un-Christmassy that is.

In any event, I spent the evening of Christmas Day watching the 1954 classic
White Christmas, featuring a somewhat sober Bing Crosby, a Danny Kaye in full camp, Rosemary Clooney before she got all humongous, and That Chick That Nobody Actually Knows The Name Of (Vera Ellen, for the record). Thoughts on my umpteenth viewing:

1) Wow, how was it a surprise when Danny Kaye eventually came out of the closet? The man was flaming. Right, you don't want to get married because you're 'scared stiff.' Uh-huh.

2) Didn't Irving Berlin write this song? Wasn't he Jewish? I guess it's pretty non-denominational. Not like Good King Wencescesincestislaus or whatever the fuck his name is.

3) The 'Minstrel Number' is pretty offensive when you remember what minstrel shows actually were, with the blackface and all. But what may be more offensive is that red plume on the back of Rosemary Clooney's ass. My family refers to this as her 'fartcatcher.'

4) Jesus, they've got, like, an entire army of gay men as dancers. You could storm Tikrit with these guys.

5) Heh, Nameless Dancer told Danny Kaye she was looking for a man who was "charming and gay." Heh heh. Oh, Jesus, I've been in Alberta too long.

6) Look, Rosemary Clooney freaked out and left for New York. And she brought her homosexual army with her! Oh, that one guy was in West Side Story. THAT'S where he's from.

7) Oh, shit, the tree fell over. No, really, the Christmas tree fell over during the movie and I missed the last half-hour trying to set it back up. There's sap everywhere. This sweater WAS new.