Cross-Canada Road Trip Days 3 & 4: I Never Want To Drive Again

July 8, 2004

I didn't write anything yesterday because I was ensconced at the Kelly Family compound west of Sudbury. Ha, 'compound' makes it sound like we should have an arsenal of firearms and a rabid, racist version of Christianity going on. Instead, we have a sauna and Sleeman's. I prefer our kind of compound, frankly.

It's good that I stopped and took some time to chill with the grandparents (who are named Kelly, if that wasn't glaringly obvious) and my aunt and uncle and cousins. It's probably the only thing keeping me from shooting myself in the face, the stretch from Sault Ste. Marie to Mattawa (east of North Bay) being the worst stretch of highway on the face of the planet. It's potholed and rough, and passed through scrub and rock and shitty little mining towns, and is one lane with no passing lanes to get around the Winnebagos. Christ, the motherfucking WINNEBAGOS. The unpassable hulks are EVERYWHERE.

One thing I noticed on my way down is the patented Northern Ontario Rock Graffiti (tm). There's no overpasses along the highway from about Winnipeg to North Bay - 2000 kilometres or so. However, since the road's been blasted out of solid granite, what there are are tons of roadside rock faces. Nearly every one is tagged with spray paint, either declaring the eternal love of two seventeen-year-olds who broke up three months later (PAM + MIKE 4 EVER) or the supremacy of WHITE RIVER HIGH SCHOOL GRAD '86. Highway 17 is a 21-hour film reel of kids from small towns mutely trying to leave their permanent mark on the world through gallons of white paint.

I can't imagine feeling any accomplishment in that, though: "Boys, we've done it. Everyone will know that GRAD 95 does, in fact, RULE. Now let's go home, be unemployed, and drink!" This 12-hour drive from hell gets a hard F.

The Ottawa Valley, by contrast, is really nice, and the roads are better. The road from Mattawa is hilly and lined with giant spruce forests; it reminds me of B.C., but with less in the way of pot. Ottawa itself is a gorgeous city; I might have to try for residency there if U of O doesn't suck ass. The road to Montreal gets a hefty A.