Mystery Writing 101

I originally wrote this for the Gateway, the University of Alberta's much cooler version of the Queen's Journal. There's no GW-analogue here, you see, so you get the funny people who WOULD have gravitated there together with the Journal twats. Unfortunately, the Gateway doesn't print fiction, as I found out. Pity. There's little outlet for semi-insane ravings at the U of A... anyhow, perhaps someone will read it here, and get some enjoyment out of it.

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Welcome, class, to the eighth installment in our exclusive course, ‘Writing Airport Fiction.’ As you’ll recall, last week’s lecture was Legal Thrillers: Oh No, My Law Firm Is Corrupt! (John Grisham version: Oh No, My Law Firm Is Corrupt and Southern!) Today, we’ll be discussing what makes formulaic mystery novels tick.

Chapter 1: The Murder

Never begin by introducing your protagonist. That’s cliché. Instead, be like everyone else and begin by taking the perspective of the initial victim and describing her (invariably her) murder in graphic detail. Let the reader think that the victim is your protagonist. It makes you a better writer, you see, because you’re messing with their heads.

Chapter 2: The Hardboiled Detective

Introduce your protagonist – whoa! It’s not who we thought it was, says the reader! – with a phone call, waking him up from a fitful slumber. Alcoholic comas are also acceptable. He’ll be unsurprised to hear it’s another murder, which will make sense, as he’s a homicide detective, and probably expects chalk outlines to crop up at his daughter’s school play. Anyhow, if he’s not already drunk, have him belt down five or six shots of scotch while looking at the photo of his wife who left him because he’s married to the job. This shows the reader just how very hardboiled he is, as well as introducing a convenient character flaw. Exploit this in a tense confrontation with his superior officer in Chapter 15.

Chapter 3: The Crime Scene

Our hero will, despite the booze, hold it together long enough to make it to the crime scene without hitting any pedestrians. He may run over a squirrel if you’re feeling saucy. He should, however, hold it together in a gritty fashion. ‘Grit’ and its derivatives are key words in the genre, and you should use them as much as possible, to the point of having every character constantly devouring grits while gritting their teeth.

At this point, our hero will meet the tough-as-nails-but-gorgeous future love interest, who is deeply involved in this investigation. They will have a personality conflict, based on him being hardboiled and her being tough-as-nails.

Chapters 4-18: The Filler

The details of the investigation are unimportant, because the reader doesn’t have anything better to do except watch Jack Frost on the teeny little LCD screen above him. You’re up against Michael Keaton as a snowman; you really don’t need to put much effort into this. Just rip off CSI. At some point, the detective will say: “We won’t know until he kills again.” Three pages later, he will kill again. And they will, most likely, know.

Chapter 19: Requisite Sex Scene

Flight’s over, time to wake up the reader. You don’t even need to build up any sexual tension, you’re just expected to write about sex now. Remember, your characters are too hardboiled to fuck in a bed. Kitchen floors work fine, and are easy to clean if you’re a stickler for excruciating detail.

Chapters 20-24: More Filler

Rip off CSI: Miami this time, for variety’s sake.

Chapter 25: The Shocking Conclusion

Everything in the book should have led up to one character being the murderer. Above all else, the murderer cannot be that person. Instead, the real killer is someone the detective knows and trusts; bonus points if it’s the tough-as-nails love interest. Don’t worry if every mystery writer uses this plot twist: remember, your audience is composed of idiots, and everything surprises them, particularly shiny things.

Congratulations! You may now sell this book to people who think reading Maxim on planes makes them look shallow. Next week: The Romance Novel: 1001 Useful Euphemisms for ‘Fucking.’